the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
