So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
