Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
