tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
