my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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