I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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