Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
