The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
