I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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