I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
