I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am midnight drunk by noon
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
