Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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