Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
