Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
