He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
