ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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