I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
