oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
