Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
