im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
