I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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