At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
