I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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