I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
