ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize