I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
