I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
