Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
