Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
