my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
