well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
