I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
