I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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