eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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