I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
