I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
