Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
