You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't deserve a penis
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
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