I think I won the penis lottery.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
