oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
