He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
