why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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