You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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