I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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