My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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