I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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