I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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