we have pet lesbian snakes
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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