I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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