Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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