alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
