she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
