She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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