where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
