Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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