my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
