She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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