got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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