Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
