Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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