Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
