got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
