Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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