just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
