"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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