i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
