I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
