Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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